I'm sure, when you read Part 1, you felt like finally someone had verbalized exactly what you had been thinking for some time. I'm glad. That was part of my aim; to let Christians who are married in on what we think and how we feel. It's good for us to have conversations, to respark the old questions and to ask them while seeking some Biblical clarity.
It's tough being a Christian who is single. Trust me. It's hard to sit alone, or even worse, with all your married friends, and not think, "What's wrong with me? Am I not marriageable? When's it going to be my turn?" And these aren't sinful or wrong questions to ask. These aren't selfish questions; I strongly believe that it's a part of us that remained from the Fall to want companionship. We as men and women created Imago Dei, are created to work and serve in community with one another.
"Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him....So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed." Gen 2: 18,21-24
This is prefall. God sees that man isn't at his absolute best, and so creates woman. In that moment, they fulfilled each other. Him, her, and God were in complete fellowship together, and then and there we reached the pinnacle of where we can ever hope to reach.
I'm saying this for your joy, Christian who is single. I'm saying this to Biblically justify the longing and desire that you naturally feel for a spouse. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing sinful about the God-given longing for wanting a mate. You were created, before the fall, to find the opposite sex attractive. You were formed by God, to have a companion, for the glory of God. To not actively seek that; is to live contrary to the way your Father has formed you. It is to live as a liar. So take joy! Seek a Christ centered mate, if God has called you to do so!
But, we have to talk Christian who is single,
Because our married friends have some really good insights. They're not totally clueless. Can they perfectly relate to how we live as singles? No. But they do have their own struggles, their own concerns, and they do have some insight that we don't know about.
See, I don't think Christians who are single have it all figured out or harder than our married brothers and sisters. If I'm honest, I think we're equally ignorant; to the point that both of us envy the other because "the grass is greener."
So, Christian who is single, I have truths you need to know. These are five things that will make not only the search for a Christlike spouse easier, but maybe more enjoyable.
1. Your identity is in Christ, not your future spouse.
This is very important, because this is the cause for how we as Christians who are single talk, think, and live. It's important to remember that you are not a single Christian. It's very important (I can't emphasize it enough) that you keep this in mind. I have done my best, when I write to you to not call you "single" or "a single Christian". You identify yourself first, then describe yourself. Go back, reread this post and see how often I address people as "Christians who are single" or "Christians who are married". It's imperative we talk this way. We must be willing everyday to preach to ourselves :
"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. (1 Peter 2:9-10)
Your identity is found in Christ alone, if you have come to him by faith.
The alternative is deadly. If you choose to find all of your fulfillment in man or woman, who are setting them up to fail already. They were never designed to fill that gap of identifying you. You will kill them emotionally and spiritually if you do that. You will only set yourself up for future heartache by trying to make them be what identifies you, because they will fail. At some point, it is inevitable.
2. We can't be marriage pagans.
This is tough; because if I'm honest, I'm so guilty of this. It's tough not to think that marriage is what's missing in my life for me to be who Christ made me to be. It's the real struggle that happens when we are the Last of the Unmarried. But it's incredibly dangerous for us to jump from one relationship -or one potential spouse- to another just trying to figure out who sticks. We treat each other like ends to our marriage means. This is blatant idolatry.
But what's worse is when we seek marriage more than we seek Christ. Like when I sit in the worship service at my church and all I think about is my singleness. It happens.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
But is Christ not enough for you to be satisfied in? This isn't the "Jesus is your spouse" right now line that is fed constantly. This is a press: is Christ or marriage your highest joy? I struggle with answering that honestly becasue I know my thoughts and actions betray my words. If I were honest with myself, there are days when I want to be married more than I want Christ. There are days when, if like Hosea, marriage were to be stripped away from me, would Christ be enough for me to recover? We have to ask ourselves these questions and deal with them honestly. We must remember that marriage is a picture of the Gospel that we can see. It will one day fade away. There is a day when the shadow of marriage gives way to the reality of our unity with and in Christ. We must be careful to not chase after shadows while ignoring the reality.
3. Singleness is a gift.
No really. Remember who is saying this right now. Singleness is a very beneficial thing. I have seen this or I wouldn't say it. Being single is a legitimate spiritual gift that God gives us. I know what you're thinking. "If singleness is a gift, what's the exchange policy? Not what I asked for at all."
I'm with you on this. But we need to see our singleness from a Biblical perspective. I know you're going to hate when I put this verse on here, but:
Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:6-9)
We have a problem here because we don't like these verses. It's ok to admit it. I struggle with them too. But we have to consider, how is singleness a gift? Like what's the benefit here?
First I think Paul explains clearly later on in the chapter that as singles, we aren't as anxious about pleasing a spouse. We don't have that concern. We are free to make our own decisions, our own mistakes, our own choices. Let me speak from experience. I am right now in a very unsteady place in my life. I just am. I have a direction, I have a plan, it's just the coming together of it that I'm waiting (but working) on. I honestly couldn't fathom being married right now. It's too open for me to feel comfortable leading a wife through. In the past 6 months, I've made some pretty drastic life, work, ministry, and living changes. But you know who I didn't consult with. A wife. I'm free to live and make decisions based on my desire and what I believe God's will for my life to be. Lonely as it is, it could be a lot worse.
So we must, for our spiritual health's sake, steward our singleness for the glory of God.
4. Rest in the sovereignty of God; but not as victims.
Show of hands, who's surprised I put this in here? Please, go ahead. Insert one Reformed joke here.
Seriously though, I have come to find that the sovereignty and goodness of God are the most loving things for us. Let me tell you, Christian who is single, why you remain single. It's not time yet. Those are nail-on-chalkboard words, huh? But do you really think that you are going to miss what God has planned for you? How small is your God? There's is nothing you can do to jack up this plan. It can be more painful, longer, or harder, yes. But never wrecked.
I was engaged once. (Technically I would say twice. Things were bought, I'm saying that counts in spirit). I was engaged to someone who was, if i'm honest was killing me spiritually. And God was gracious to, very painfully remove me out of that situation. It hurt. Ask those who walked with me during that time. It was hard. There were days I felt angry, betrayed, cheated on, lied to.
I finally, this week, gathered the nerve to ask my mom a question I have pondered on for a couple of years.
3. Singleness is a gift.
No really. Remember who is saying this right now. Singleness is a very beneficial thing. I have seen this or I wouldn't say it. Being single is a legitimate spiritual gift that God gives us. I know what you're thinking. "If singleness is a gift, what's the exchange policy? Not what I asked for at all."
I'm with you on this. But we need to see our singleness from a Biblical perspective. I know you're going to hate when I put this verse on here, but:
Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:6-9)
We have a problem here because we don't like these verses. It's ok to admit it. I struggle with them too. But we have to consider, how is singleness a gift? Like what's the benefit here?
First I think Paul explains clearly later on in the chapter that as singles, we aren't as anxious about pleasing a spouse. We don't have that concern. We are free to make our own decisions, our own mistakes, our own choices. Let me speak from experience. I am right now in a very unsteady place in my life. I just am. I have a direction, I have a plan, it's just the coming together of it that I'm waiting (but working) on. I honestly couldn't fathom being married right now. It's too open for me to feel comfortable leading a wife through. In the past 6 months, I've made some pretty drastic life, work, ministry, and living changes. But you know who I didn't consult with. A wife. I'm free to live and make decisions based on my desire and what I believe God's will for my life to be. Lonely as it is, it could be a lot worse.
So we must, for our spiritual health's sake, steward our singleness for the glory of God.
4. Rest in the sovereignty of God; but not as victims.
Show of hands, who's surprised I put this in here? Please, go ahead. Insert one Reformed joke here.
Seriously though, I have come to find that the sovereignty and goodness of God are the most loving things for us. Let me tell you, Christian who is single, why you remain single. It's not time yet. Those are nail-on-chalkboard words, huh? But do you really think that you are going to miss what God has planned for you? How small is your God? There's is nothing you can do to jack up this plan. It can be more painful, longer, or harder, yes. But never wrecked.
I was engaged once. (Technically I would say twice. Things were bought, I'm saying that counts in spirit). I was engaged to someone who was, if i'm honest was killing me spiritually. And God was gracious to, very painfully remove me out of that situation. It hurt. Ask those who walked with me during that time. It was hard. There were days I felt angry, betrayed, cheated on, lied to.
I finally, this week, gathered the nerve to ask my mom a question I have pondered on for a couple of years.
Yeah, how's that for a nice dose of reality? If I could redo either of my failed attempts at marriage, I'd do neither of them. God has a woman. She is intricately and wonderfully designed. The Gospel is her beauty, and she is patient. And though I won't speak for all of you, for those whom God desires to give a wife or husband, He will in His good and perfect timing
But also, be careful that we not become sovereignty victims. I'm a Calvinist, not a fatalist. I'm not saying you should sit on your couch and wait for a Christ-centered man or woman to just show up one day. Be actively seeking and searching. But in that search, rest in the unbreakable plan of God.
5. Don't be jaded against Christians who are married.
Once again, guilty. I'll just admit that. But it's tempting to feel as if we live burdened by the weight of singleness and our married friends live in continous party land. Living with and around married couples and just watching. It's tough. They have equal concerns and frustrations. They're just as stressed as we are; maybe more. Though I do think their advice isn't the best; some of my best friends are Christians who are married. I love them, trust them, pray for them, and they do the same for me. We were made to live in a community of believers. And while, yes, we need to be engaged; community means that sometimes we approach them to spend time with us-I'm guilty- That means that sometimes (most of the time) we bite the bullet when they have lives with their significant others and we learn to spend time with other Christians who are single.
So Christian Who is Single, my prayer for all of us is that, regardless if we ever find a spouse, we find our joy in Christ, who is the source of all hope and joy. I pray that we rest in Him and His perfect will for our lives; that this time, how ever long it is, we use to put Christ on display in our lives.
SDG
