Singled Out: A New Conversation on Singleness. Part 1: It's Not Good for Me to be Alone Either

Dear Christian Who is Married,

I know exactly what you're thinking as you clicked this link: "Here we go again on another post about singleness. It's the same old tired rhetoric that we've always heard. Let's go ahead and jump to 1st Corinthians 7." 

But stop just a second. 

Because the single person is not a second class citizen in the Covenant Community. We are people, with spiritual gifts, callings, passions, and desires for our future. We work jobs, go to class, have families, bills, and hobbies. We have fully functioning sex drives, the same as you and your spouse do. And we love Jesus; the same as you and your spouse do. Please know that. We're normal.

But if I'm honest, I've maybe grown a little calloused towards you; so forgive me. It's not right for me to be I know. It's just, I'm not sure if you realize that neither of the two schools of thought that you have for my life really are all that legit. I'm decently sure that you're heart's in the right place; but at the same time, I don't think you have a clue. 

Let me back up. Because I really want you to understand what I'm talking about when I say "the two schools of thought." There are basically two options I have as a Christian who is single. 

1. Rush to get married. Basically, this is the "biological clock, get you're act together and be 'marriage material'" approach. I'm willing to call it the sweet, old lady approach. It's the idea that we're all ticking timebombs of hormones who need to hurry up and get married so that we don't start twerking all over each other and having a whole bunch of pre-marital going on. (Until that sweet girl turns 34, and then it's baby pressure time right?) In this school of thought, I need to shape up, man up, take responsibility for my actions, get a job and a haircut so that I can finally marry the mystical, unBiblical "one".

"Is it not obvious to anyone with half a brain that human beings were not designed to delay sex for two or three decades after coming to sexual maturity?  Yet we have Christians not blinking an eye at full-grown adult singles waiting until age 35 to marry for the first time, because that was just God’s perfect plan or whatever....If Christians are really serious about changing the culture for the better, then they need to get serious about promoting young marriage and stop telling singles (either explicitly or implicitly) that they have a long time to find someone and it’s better to go off and have adventures while they figure out who they are.  And they also need to stop telling people that the 20s are a “season” in which you can work on yourself to become closer to God and therefore marriage-worthy or whatever." (Haley's Halo, Wordpress.com)

So I should rush to find someone? Anyone? So should I be more concerned about being able to have all the endless sex I want, or the fact that I'm in God's pleasing and perfect will? So I'm sorry Camp 1; but you're rushing me to achieve marriage status isn't helping me. Because all it tell's me is that I'm a screw up who can't seem to get it together, but you've somehow "arrived" with your helpmeet. 

2. My second option is to totally completely absolutely have zero interest in dating. In fact, it is said that dating is probably wrong. There's not a verse to prove that, so let's just not do it. That dating leads people to randomly twerk on each other and start having a whole bunch of premarital. Angie Lewis has a blog  post written in 2010 called 10 Reasons Why Christians Shouldn't Date. I won't cover all ten, but I will take on two of them because I feel like they summarize Camp 2.

Dating Leads to Sex But Not Commitment

Dating most often leads to sex and then eventual heartbreak. Dating hurts young people because it is a false sense of hope that almost always leads to emotional heartache and physical impurity. With dating the risk of having sexual relations with a person you really don't know is paramount. I say risk because sex means nothing without love and commitment. Think about it. For the sincere Christian dating should be out of the question, don't you think? 

Dating Distracts People From What Really Matters 

Dating, because of its sexual and emotional intentions distracts Christian people from what is really important for them. Namely, God and preparing for their future in the Lord. They are so focused on the happenings of each other that nothing else matters to them, not even staying pure for God and marriage. It is God's will that young Christian people who are sincere in the Lord, put their feelings on hold and not allow themselves to be pressured into emotional relationships without commitment. 

But hang on a second. Is it not possible for me to spend time with a young woman and get to know her mind and discover what she's like while spending time together, with my pants on? Why is it that me spending time with a young Christian woman will 1. For sure lead to sex and 2. Lead us both to ignore God. Isn't it possible that maybe I respect her and want to see her grow in Christ, that I practice some God-given restraint? You telling me to just sit and wait doesn't help me. 

Because if I'm honest, it's not good for me to be alone either. I have a desire, like pre-fall Adam, to love and nurture a wife and children. I have, like pre-fall Adam, the need for companionship and a helper fit for me. I don't think it's sin to want to look for and find a woman who loves Jesus just as much as I do. But what you're telling me Camp 2, is that I shouldn't want marriage but it's ok that you did. That's a double standard friend.

But both camps have this idea, that I am not in control of my raging 22 year old sex drive. That as singles we just walk around sexually frustrated all the time. Let me be really honest, Christian who is married. 80% of your advice to me, regardless if it's rush or wait, sucks; and I get really sick of it. 

Here's why.

You have no idea what it's like to be single anymore. You just don't. 

Let's be honest for a minute. We'll play a game. When is the last time you:

1. Had no texts or phone calls all day.

2. Ordered a table for one for a month straight

3. Slept alone, by yourself, for a month straight.

4. Sat in absolute silence without conversation, for a day. 

5. Had to split the check awkwardly (like those two, her and him, and then me) twice in the same week?

We do that. I do that. I eat more meals alone than I do with others. And it get's really lonely. Yes I know Paul said that he preferred people not be married. Yes being a Christian who is single is a gift from God to serve without distraction. But before you start quoting me 1 Corinthians 7, how about you come sit and have lunch with me and talk to me about how wonderful Jesus is. Why don't, instead of telling me that my sex drive will kill me if I do anything at all, you ask how I'm doing? I know widows, who are single now, who are lonely too. Why don't you just ask me how I'm doing instead of giving me advice to achieve some magical "adult status"?

God has wired us as people to seek and want companionship. And it's not a sin to want it. So, Christians who are married, we aren't dysfunctional. We aren't cursed for perpetual singleness (some of us).But we are valuable members of the Body of Christ. Please, walk with me, encourage me to learn to seek a Godly woman who loves Christ. But at the same time, understand, you don't understand. And it's ok. Because we're a community of Grace, both single and married. We're in this together, not because of our status, but because of Christ. That's what unites and ignites our walk together.

SDG